I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
