C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
