I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
