3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
