Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
