Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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