Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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