I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
