...so i touched it.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
