why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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