its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
