rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
