We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
