So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
