he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
