My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
