My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
