i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
