i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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