Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
