Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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