JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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