wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I need a burrito and a hug.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
