I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
