Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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