Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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