just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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