You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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