I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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