That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My life is pants optional.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
