guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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