This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
