The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
