I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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