I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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