based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
