I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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