I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
