You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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