So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
