I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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