Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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