5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Of course I have a pirate flag
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
