feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
