You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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