I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
