Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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