Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
