Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
