All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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