I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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